Love Actually

Its that time of the year again..there's the chill in the wind, you can hear the melody of Christmas jingles on the radio and the slight glow of twinkle lights only adds to the warmth that the Holidays bring with them. Like every other year on Thanksgiving eve, I find myself on a plane. Invariably, as the plane begins its final descent towards the vast maze of bright lights, my thoughts turn to reflect on the year gone by, my upcoming long weekend and random reflections on my life. Prime stars in this reflection have been my family, living so far away, something as mundane as turning in my time at work and my premature planning for the next round of travel. This year things are only slightly different...

A part of me often wished, in the recent past, that I could turn back some cycles of time..Such a wonderful time in one's life..when one could still believe in the magic of Disney, hope for the happily ever afters and enjoy Mills and Boons without being poked in the ribs by reality to tell you what a fool you are being.Time is a cruel teacher. As you grow up you realize that Disney, Mills, Boons and their troupe were in fact, delusional and neurotic. Certain filmmakers and scriptwriters could be the presidents of this del-neurotic club.We are slowly pre-programmed  into believing everything should happen a certain way, not the least of which is falling in love. Scores of advertisers, valentine's day teddy bear and card makers and movie makers had together found in me, a really tough cookie : a complete pariah to the concept of  love. Well that can't be true..I love my family,my friends, I love chocolates,I love dogs, I love splashing into water and the high of hitting a forehand winner across the court. But I digress..the point I am trying to make, quite inarticulately, is that all this love is made out to be irrelevant in our modern day lives. There is an entire industry dedicated to focusing and might I mention, obsessing about meeting the love of your life, getting married, getting divorced and the "complications" in relationships. Someone once told me that things are only as complicated as you make them out to be..I wonder..

The mini-plane has screeched to a halt. I find myself standing and inhaling the fresh , cold Ohio air as I impatiently wait for my cabin luggage.(yeah the mini-plane overhead bins can't take cabin luggage except for mini purses).I see cold white wisps leave my mouth as I take deep breaths, reminding me just how much I had been 'Californicated' in the last 3 years. My heavy, warm jacket has let me down as I shiver and escape to the warmth of the Columbus airport.

For a long time I believed that 'love' was merely a trick played on human kind for continuation of species.Secretly though, I used to wonder if I would meet my "Mister Right", or whether I was even the marrying kind.I was an extremely happy single camper. I have a great circle of friends, wonderful family, a job I love and loads of great places to eat and shop in. Does a person really want more? Yet, there was this unyielding  pressure to couple up..The fundamental theorem of arithmetic establishes the central role of primes in number theory: A prime number (or a prime) is a natural number greater than 1 that has no positive divisors other than 1 and itself..Since I had up until now failed to find any tall , understanding , love-worthy divisors , was I then a prime living in a world of composites? I'd done my round of dating, my round of flirting, my round of pretending to be interested, and the more I tried to couple up, the more I loved my "prime" status. In fact, I secretly celebrated knowing I would never have to deal with the complication that accompanied the composition.

I find myself dragging my bag towards the exit. The warmth in the airport has nothing to do with the heating mechanisms. I see blonde cherubs rushing to meet their grandparents, children flying in to meet their parents, there was this high pitched filly who galloped across the baggage claim to hug her stud..squeals , hugs, kisses and slaps on the backs being exchanged all around. I suspect god created small towns and their airports to remind one of the importance of human relationships and what an important stimulant they are in defying the theory of primes. The city girl in me was slowly coming to terms with it..

A few months back I met my multiplication factor. Of course, like all primes, I put up a natural resistance to becoming a composite. Mark Haddon once said “Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.” I was certainly not adhering to any patterns. I didn't think I was in love, in fact I refused to acknowledge that it might be a possibility , my relationship programming showing how strongly it was ingrained in me. It refused to accept anything other than pre-programmed inputs. The rules stated that we had to be engaged in frivolous flirting for an endless period of time , followed by fights and complications involving the guy being a jerk, his family being difficult and the girl being a bitch, followed by make up procedures,  involving high outflow of cash and great influx of gifts; followed by some dramatic changes in bodily functions and mental stability: increased heartbeat, sleepless nights , hearing violins when you see him and the likes. The very strong prime that I was, I followed none of these patterns leaving me quite confused. That's when I realized that Disney, Mills, Boons and our beloved filmmakers had followed the classic theory of arithmetic and excluded the primes in their ever after patterns. So I decided to write my own as I figured out some things..

You can fall in love with no specific pre-requisites. You can fall in love with no specific time frame. No, you don't hear violins, and you need not have bodily malfunctions like increased heartbeat or sleepless nights; in fact you might have a dreamless sleep because you are so much at peace. The guy or his family do not have to be difficult. When he goes out of his way to fly in from across the country every other week, don't question what you are doing wrong..or right..when his friends and family call you and talk to you as if they've known you for ages, when you haven't even met them, don't question the digression from pattern. When they make you feel so welcome, enough to make you misty eyed, don't question excessive emotion. When friends ask you if you are moving too fast, if it feels right, in all probability the rules of speed in relationship don't apply to you either. When he goes away you may not hear sad music and you may not spasm from grief but your mind may be preoccupied with the calendar dates noting when he'll be back or if he's found time to get something to eat. When he lands up at your doorstep in the middle of the night to surprise you, you may not ham with excessive facial expressions..but your mind might go blank with the thought that someone cares so much about you.There may not be gifts and flowers, but maybe they don't matter as much as air tickets.And when he asks you to marry him, your entire courtship may not flash before your eyes in the form of a slow montage of all the lovey dovey times, but you might just say yes, or as I did in my case " Hell ya!" without even thinking..because you already knew the answer..as did he..

I find myself standing at the curb like every other thanksgiving eve. But things are only slightly different this year. I am not in a big city with too many lights and too many cabs around me. I am in a flyover state with happy people all around me.I am not hailing a cab..but waiting for my +1 to roll up and pick me up.I am incredibly happy , genuinely happy. The bright flash from my left hand reminds me that I was also no longer a prime. In between the pattern digressions , and the breaking of the code, I had finally succumbed to being composite. And I realized that there is such a concept such as love..maybe not as defined by Disney, or M&B, but it does exist. Sure it has been clouded and polluted in recent times with concepts such as personal space, careers, I ,me and mine concepts , but if we choose to wipe the cynicism from our eyes, we see that Love, actually, is all around, and the twinkle lights can do little right now to match the sparkle on my finger or the one in my eyes..

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I have so much to be thankful for this year. And to all my friends and family..Here's raising the glass to your fabulous prime lives or your even more fabulous composite futures..you do realize that..you write your own rules..and do it your way

"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion." - Mirabeau

What Grinds my gears...

...And so I'm back...after what seems like a century...and I wish what had brought me back to this space was brilliant moments of inspiration, radical ideas, funny anecdotes, something that makes for good self-advertising when you want people to read your blog. Unfortunately it was a week and a half of mad cough, at the end of which I was beginning to imagine myself to be one of those chug chug engines of yore, refueled every other minute by one more lozenge which my fingers have now been trained to seek correctly out of the bag, even when fully asleep; a talent I intend to put on my resume when I retire from the sane world and join the Blue Women Group, touted to be the stars of James Cameron's Avatar 2:The Musical, due for release sometime after 2 decades or more.(Right now the idea is just brewing in his head and he intends to incubate it for a while as his legend commands)

So, anyway, as is abundantly self evident, illness of any kind makes me go off my rocker and talk total nonsense, which I then put in the form of a blog, post it and regret it that very instant.The very thought of lying snug in bed hour after hour feeling too weak to do anything exciting, is a royal punishment a restless soul like me...its enough to really grind my gears. And while we're on that subject , I can suddenly think of a multitude of things which can be classified to have this ability.So here goes..

Disclaimer: The Author bears no responsibility for the opinions posted in this blog. They are strictly the outcome of a highly sick and irritated alter ego, which can disappear faster than sense in a Sarah Palin interview.

In no order of preference ...


1. Dentists:
Have a distinctive hatred for these guys because they lie so smoothly through their perfectly aligned white-as-ujala teeth.(No offense to one of my closest friends who is one)They'll make you lower your guard with pretty pictures, a comfy chair and cheerful stories and gape with such fascination into your mouth that you'd be inclined to think probably there are some hidden treasures in those molars that you unwittingly failed to discover while feigning to floss.Then they poke around your mouth a bit with mirrors and all sorts of  sharp instruments while  slyly assuring you it won't hurt.(It will; but they bank on the surprise strategy a lot)The worst part, however, is they'll keep your jaws propped open with all sorts of things and then launch into a full conversation with you.Stories about their children, wonderful achievements, pretense to know about your background and heritage. I once heard from a dental assistant a story about my own heritage and how we originally come from Fiji. This after the fact that in my dental form I had listed my ethnicity as Indian. Then I heard about our 12 day marriages.(Even Suraj Barjatya can't afford this), and weird ass versions of Hindi songs. Flattering as it is, that they're interested in your culture, you really don't want your dental assistant to sing J ho! (jai ho) with folded hands. I felt like folding my own and praying for divine intervention. And you lie in the chair, helpless, unable to even say "Shut up!!!" . What you can barely manage is "ssssssssoooooooou" and other gibberish along the same lines. At the end of about an hour long ordeal, you're probably going home with empty pockets, painful jaws and the promise of yet another torture session....

2. English (A very Phunny language):
Never thought this one would show up on the list. But then never thought it would irritate me till I entered the US of A.I thought I knew English ;passed on quite generously by the Brits and adopted equally lovingly by us colonized people.Then I came to this country and I miraculously turned into an idiot. There was an entire army of human beings and machines(some hybrids also exist in this country) that would not/could not understand  a word I said.Spell check and grammar check went ballistic in my first few months and seemed to be yelling at me with all the ziggy wiggy red and blue lines in my assignments.Seemed to be saying, "You idiot, do you not know that S isn't as popular as Z here? Replace it wherever possible. No need to add new forms of past tense..just add "ed" to everything. Apart from that, drop unnecessary letters here and there.". I learnt the popularity of Z the hard way when I had to spell out some ticket code on the phone.And I went "A34Z..."
"I beg your pardon?" "Ayy 3 4 Zed" " Sorry???" "Zed" "Sorry?" "Zed for Zebra" "Zebra??" "Last letter of the alphabet" "Oh you mean Zee for Zeebra" (Sigh! Apparently I was going to have to start from the ABC song, which also differs in this country, just FYI).My ignorance was further demonstrated when I went to the supermarket searching for Capsicum and Coriander and had the supermarket assistant give me the most ridiculous look of "What on earth are these!?" ..till I had to launch a big hunt and discover that unlike the rest of the world only Bell Peppers and Cilantro existed here.Oh well..I was Neha Kamat when I came to this country; now I'm Nee haa Key Mat.'

3.Insurance agents
Slimy irritating leeches, who will punish you for life for having asked for a quote. Inclined to think they might be getting trained by FBI agents by the way in which they can hunt you down night or day cell or desk, asleep awake, in your car, out of it, not owning a car, ride a horse...and brain dead. Recently had the misfortune of scraping my bumper against a concrete pole. Interesting conversation:

What did your car collide against?
"A concrete pole in a parking lot"
"Is the pole alright?"
("what!???) "The pole is fine"
"Who does the pole belong to?"
(I tried but I couldn't see any hearts, names or initials carved on it)
"Will the pole or the owner of the pole be claiming damages"
(Yes maybe if we taught it sign language , there's hope..)
"How did the pole respond?"
"It was gagged...."

4.Fine print
False sense of hope created to lure you into making terrific errors in judgement.The trick is to make the reader drowsy by immediately introducing him or her to a million pages full of legal jargon, which is secretly used in many countries as a mild sleeping pill.Once the 'target' has found the the drowsy state of mind, the eye immediately skips over some lines in the thesis. Bingo! Now you have them..then all you have to do is change font and trust the human eye to skip the smaller one, you pretty much have the target right where you want them.Remember this is the point where the target is probably just searching for the dotted line and trying to end the torture.

"We assure you  we will live up to all our promises, in the lowest price possible, with no effort required on your end"

                                 Bet you didn't read the exceptions(which includes everything), ha ha ha gotcha, Sucker!

"This medicine is completely safe, approved by the American medical Association and trusted by millions"

Side effects may include death

5.Farmville/fishville/virtual restaurant cafes et al
I understand social networking is the order of the day, and believe you me, I am right up there mingling in the cyber world. But I never thought I'd have to deal with this virtual shit. You'd think every Tom, Dick and Harry was sick and tired of their occupations and was making every effort possible to go agro, breeding cows, dogs, cats, fish and other virtual animals, fertilizing virtual plants and finding stuff you would never otherwise find on actual farms. Quick question: What's the friggin point?On top of that you keep finding lonely abandoned animals which is just entirely too irritating.It seems farmville is hell bent on teaching us animal noises in their updates.And the entire exercise is to make your "avatar" potter around the farms and keep clicking. Down arrow.Click. See tree . Click. see weird looking object . Click. I think my IQ, inclination and common sense just experienced Armageddon.

I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars...




6. IPhone users when they're suddenly handed another phone:

Apple's zombies I call them. I have nothing against the IPhone personally or any other apple product, just for the record. But why should these zombies behave as if every single phone on this planet has to have touch screen? In the event that you hand them some other phone and its locked, simple observations:

 Tap the screen ...(nothing)..WTH? ..slide fingers..nothing..shake..press random buttons...nothing..panic setting in..WTH is happening with the face screaming "je ne sais quoi!". "Try green button and star" "Oh yeah..damn I forgot!"

Arrrrrrgh!

And the stupid app discussions. "I have an app that can find out the closest restaurant" "I have an app that can scan this bar code and compare prices" "I have an app that can do  a zoom on objects I really don't need to see" "I have an app that can remove pulp from juice....and on and on and on..."

"What does your phone do?"

???
???

"It can make a phone call on the same network without dropping it"

Stick a fork..you're done..


7.American TV commercials

The lesser said the better. Somewhere in US of A in the Grand Daddy of all advertising said "We in true American style will do things differently..from the rest of the world..even if it is complete bullshit and makes no sense to anyone....we shall be "unique". So advertising from now on will not mean trying to sell products by pointing out their advantages..instead it will be a 30 or 60 second timed riddle called "What's this product?".
We will do intense research based on Baywatch, playboy and other online dating schemes so that people can identify with the lack of intelligence. And then muddle them with showing them everything but the product which will usually be revealed only in the last 2 seconds followed by a page of disclaimers read so fast that we can call them fine print"

Warning: Almost 99% of our viewers fail in this game since the product really has nothing to do with what's shown. That's the whole challenge! Think you're random enough to guess the next one?



Woefully I am restricting myself to the first 7 items that come to mind..would dearly love to mention some people here, but I'll save that for another illness (probably one that will come as a side effect of taking a really safe medicine)..I pray that I am completely unwound by then..

“I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation”

-Whoopi Goldberg

Whose Crime Is it anyway???

Hello and welcome to 'Whose Crime is it Anyway!?', the Indian Game show where everything's made up and the lives don't matter.

Please welcome our stars for today

1.The Indian Politician
2.The Indian citizen
3.The NRI
4.The Indian social worker
5.The Indian media
6.The Indian "culture"

All that is missing is savvy marketing and a commercial break, this is what India currently is in a nutshell.India recently turned 61, and in most cultures would be recognized to have become sensible and developed a sense of maturity.Alas, our proud motherland infamously is not party to the matured civilizations lot.

For those who are still wondering what brought on this sudden outburst, its days and days of reading what can only be termed as crap in the online edition of India's most popular newspaper.

I left my country about three years ago, and ironically, feel I am closer to it than ever before.I left my country at a time when it was spiraling upward both on technological and financial grounds,when youngsters were finally becoming politically aware, when there were age old shackles being broken and new bonds forged, heralding a change in outlook and range of thinking, and gave me some sort of hope that after all these years post independence, we might finally be able to see some light.

That was then. Three long years have passed, I and my many worlds have agreed to change, but sadly, my country hasn't. All those burgeoning promises of change have gotten buried under bureaucracy,dwindling values, broken promises and a general clueless attitude towards administration.The government has managed to disappoint me yet again...they made a mess of handling the situation, while my beloved Bombay was getting attacked.The follow up was pathetic and tough action, nowhere to be seen. As usual our government chose to play the "protect me" role and ran whimpering and sniveling to Uncle Sam.Our intelligence, which has been celebrated on the global platform, is sadly a joke when it comes to national security.Our politicians, though generating illusions of a matured administration, are still debating about the same issues..the ones that do not matter at all. But I guess the biggest disappointment for me has been the youth of India.

I am aware I might be a traitor to my kin as I say this.But the youth in India, with reference to what I saw then I visited my country last year, and what I perceive through the eyes of the media, can be best described as lost.The progress of a nation is a double-edged sword, one can cut through life long shackles, or lose our most valuable assets.And though I bow to those who have chosen the former path, I see throngs of crowds on the latter.The very fact that I still see cases of acid attacks, dowry deaths, female infanticide, date rape, agro-based suicides in the news leaves me in severe doubt as to where we are headed as a nation.We are spiraling no doubt, but I feel its in the downward direction. I see more apathy toward the state of the nation and the administrative woes, than ever before. I see more unnecessary emphasis on Page 3 parties, Bollywood and the intricacies of "who's doing what..or rather..who". As we progress through the 21st century, I see more women succumbing to social pressure and domestic autocracies instead of fighting against them. As we compete on a global platform, I see shitty issues like dress codes for women and soap operas being debated over.

Without hope, or agenda, I'd like to throw some questions into the void:

1. Will the government ever stop being a a coward and take stringent action on the terrorism in the country?
2. Will smart women stop attaining dual degrees, only to sit at home and be domesticated?
3. Will our politicians ever stop using, women's dress codes and the support of traditional values to enforce so called Indian culture on a mass mindset?
4. Will high profile politicians like Rahul Gandhi stop bringing poor villagers into the limelight only to break their promises and someone's lifelong hopes forever?
5. Will the media stop covering crap infotainment and cover some real news for a change? (Please check out http://stupidindiatv.blogspot.com/ to know what I talk about..and it's only the tip of the iceberg)
6. Will someone out there please realize, that there are sports besides cricket, at which we suck on a global playing field, and should probably try to embrace and encourage those?
7. Will kids ever be kids again?
8. Will the youth ever be sensible enough to say yes to health, education and a fulfilling life instead of just drugs parties and fornication?
9. Will women of this nation ever stop being subservient and fight against the horrors they face?
10.Will we ever discuss some real issues facing the nation before the election at least?
11. Will we ever stop using our history as support and move on to finally being an advanced nation?
12. Can we stop this slow but steady loss of sense in everyday Indian life?
13. Will we ever be able to see past castes, reservations, quotas and vote bank politics and give education a chance?
14. Will we ever be so sensible as to take the good from other cultures, instead of the worst traits?
15. Will we ever be so sensible as to be tolerant of other cultures, thus enriching our own?

And finally...

We are a democracy..but are we really independent?

So..whose crime is it anyway? The corrupt politicians? The clueless and apathetic youth? The money minded commercially oriented media?The NRI who chooses to free himself of these questions?The Indian citizen who acknowledges these questions and chooses to brush them under the carpet?Bollywood and its overrated importance?Our system..or US?

I possibly do not know the answers, but I have the inclination to find out. I take that as a positive starting note...and at a microscopic level, I am going to change the role I play in this vicious cycle. Someone has wisely said that change is not momentary, it is everlasting, slow,persistent and the only thing constant in this world.

I'll be starting with changing my newspaper...

Be the change you want to see in the world.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Au revoir Boston

This sunny Thursday morning in SF Bay area finally finds me with enough time to come back to this space. My shipped boxes have finally arrived today (at the cost of digressing I am going to wonder again why the land transport is called shipping and the ferry transport as cargo..English really is a 'phunny' language)and I can finally claim to have completely moved from the east to the west and then from the east coast to further west to the land which is fast on its way to becoming India away from India.

So anyway coming back to the part where I begin justifying the title...I finally bid adieu to Boston last week.The possible prospect of a little less cold, and the gigantic prospect of a lot more money and close family nearby together were successful in drawing me like bees to honey. I must have had at least a gazillion people asking me how it feels to be leaving Boston. Truth be told, initially there were absolutely no feelings.I can honestly say that Boxes, furniture,packing, room rental,sublease were only some of the words which were haunting me for the week that I had given myself to make the migration. But when the last piece of belongings had been packed and the last box shipped and the furniture taken away..I must admit that I felt a little heartbroken. Heartbroken to be leaving my roommates and friends who have been my family for the last 2.5 yrs.I never mentioned them because I swore I wouldn't write about anything personal.But its quite unfair to not mention the people who meant so much to me. And its unfair to keep their unique characteristics from the world..because they're such amazing entertainment.

I will miss the motormouth chatter making it seem like the UN was having its annual conference in our apartment. I'll miss the fact that I would walk into one of the bedrooms and find one of my roommates sprawled on her bed like a dead person to freak me out.I'll miss stories of cops making a visit because someone jumped over the terrace into the next building. I'll miss nightly sleep adventuring..I couldn't find another word for all the antics my roommate indulged in,in her sleep. She'd be attacked by avalanches and crocodiles,and what not and all the while her poor comforter bore the brunt of it all as she whacked it crazy.If not beating off dangerous attackers she'd be running (while sleeping on her bed), as though its the last sprint of her Olympic race. Not just that, this Indiana Jane would also occasionally grace the dead quiet of the night with a "whoooooo", "yuck" , "hmm hmmm" or "what the hell are you doing here!??" to send me into multiple seizures.

I will miss the endless banging on the bathroom door everyday to end some beauty baths. I will miss hearing of people attempting to learn swimming in the bath tub!I will miss having around small toys which even 2 yr-olds these days don't play with.I will miss hearing the latest updates on Star voice of India, sa re ga ma pa and other several talent competition results that no one gives a toss about, but which are discussed in our apartment as though it were the nightly news. I will miss the heated debates about India's past present and future by some of the people who don't feature anywhere in the makeover plan (a.k.a, US). I will miss people relishing absolutely wacky and weird food combinations like glucose biscuits and jam etc.

I will miss going out where people order exorbitant dishes to drive you to bankruptcy. I will miss Saturday movie night where we would spend 2 hours discussing which movie to watch and eventually get too tired to see the movie itself.I will miss pretending to agree that Abhay Deol is amazing!I will miss answering quiz questions about the personal life of every random personality from Bollywood. I will miss the stupidest uses and meanings of Hindi words in a sentence.I will miss having my cooking tasted by the most difficult critics in the world. No food is ever perfect, plus the expressions are priceless. I will miss Ts and Ds being unnecessarily stressed in every god damn sentence.I will miss the exasperated looks when I misplace yet another pair of glasses.I will miss having discussions where constipation might seem deadlier than cancer.I will miss the endless laughter the unexpected tempers and the amazing food variety.

I will miss the fact that everything that one needs was within a mile radius of the apartment.I will miss encountering a familiar face every time I step out of the apartments. I will miss being exasperated that the Desi network in Boston is too strong. I will miss the fact that in spite of checking the temperatures a zillion times, the Boston weather will manage to surprise you.I will miss the nip of the air as you step out dressed as a grizzly bear.I'll miss how seeing the Fenway Park from my window and hearing the cheers from the stadium before I hear them on TV.I will miss cursing the fact that whenever you're in a hurry the train will always give Northeastern University stop a miss.

I will miss the last minute plans which turn out to be the best of trips. I will miss the long long chain letters which never reach any conclusion. I will miss the red brick constructions where each construction is unique.I will miss all the ghost stories about the old buildings. I will miss the musicians at Harvard and Downtown T stops. I will miss exclaiming each time how beautiful Boston Commons looks. I will miss the fact that even in the harsh winter there's always something going on in the city.I will miss the walks near the Charles dodging the crazy runners and watching a gold blanket being spread over the evening rowers.

And so I bid adieu..in a flurry of meeting people, saying goodbyes and intermittently pausing to breathe.Boston gave me a farewell to remember by doing what it does best, manifesting itself in myriad weather conditions within a matter of 48 hrs.While I enlist all the things I will miss about Boston I realize I have more reasons to keep coming back..

So here's to Boston..the land of brain, beans and baseball..

Spirit

I see yonder the swaying bold

A blinding magnificent sight of gold

Specs of red with raging spirit

Awaiting the unyielding wrath of cold

As each one flutters to the ground

They grieve the loss without a sound

The spirit they once hath, now stripped bare,

As the silver gloom descends around

With burdened boughs and a glistening crown

They don’t let the dark times bring them down

In the hope that all will be green again

They battle on with a determined frown

As the seasons turn and the clouds part

The rays bring life to the weathered heart

As blossoms spread their fragrances new

The mirth follows where the bees dart

They who live life with high and low

Through deep despair with a joyous glow

A life well lived at the end of the road

On cloud nine and six feet below

-NEHA KAMAT NOV 7TH 2008

“There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit.

In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.”

-Napoleon Bonaparte

Bollywood Gyan

I thought it would be weird to be back in this space after the long sabbatical that I took..and of course it isn't. I'm back to writing stuff that makes more sense to me than anyone else. People who know me well would call me 'filmi...very very filmi'.( I see the curves of your mouths turning up into a smile) Not because I have an exaggerated reaction to the events that unfold around me, but because I have a song, a quote, a name for every occasion. Anything that reminds me of Bombay ( It will always be Bombay to me), anything that reminds me of Bollywood.

They say most surveys show that Indian kids are some of the brightest, smartest minds on this planet. Of course I am not here to argue with well established facts..I am just here to let the world in on our secret source of smartness, a teacher that we would have even if we didn't know how to read, write or spell ( some cases are hopeless even after a master's degree)...BOLLYWOOD.

Think about it. Bollywood has taught us some of life's most important lessons. For those who are a little slow on the uptake..never fear, Neha's here! Ahem Ahem..follows hidden messages in some of Bollywood's most famous dialogues.

Management Lessons

• "Bhag dhanno bhag..aaj teri Basanti ki ijjat ka sawaal hai" ...MOTIVATION. Dhanno got wise and ran for her life and not Basanti's ..she knew Basanti would whip her death if she didn't.
• "Jao pehele usse jake poocho jisne mere haath pe yeh likha"...PLAYING THE BLAME GAME also known in higher management levels as "FINGER POINTING"
• "Holi kab hai..kab hai holi"/"poonam ki raat ko raat ke bara baje"/"jumme ki raat ko"...SCHEDULING
• "Bhagwaan aaj tak maine tumse kuch nahin maanga..aaj meri yeh iccha tumhe poori karni hi padegi": NEGOTIATION
• "Na gilaaf, Na lehaaf (Na gilaaf, Na lehaaf thandi hawa ke khilaaf sasuri) O itni sardi hai kisika lehaaf lehi leh O jaa padosi ke chuleh se aag lehi leh" :RESOURCE UTILIZATION
• "Aaj mere paas gaadi hai, bangla hai, paisa hai, bank balance hai..tumhare paas kya hai?""Mere pass MAA hai":STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES ANALYSIS
• `Anarkali, Salim ki mohabbat tumhe marne nahin degi aur hum tumhe jeene nahin denge.':TOUGH CHOICES
• "Duniya ki koi taqat humein nahin judaa kar sakti":CONFIDENCE
• "Hum line mein khade nahin rehte..hum jahaan khade ho jate hai wahin se line shuru hoti hai..chup chaap khade raho" :LEADING FROM THE FRONT
• "Main tumhari pai pai lautaungi/Ek ek ko chun chun ke marunga" BUDGETING & ACCOUNTING
  

Science , Literature and Culture Lessons

Now, as true Bollywood fanatics, we can't be inspired by just about anyone..we have specialists to guide us namely these people:

1. Dr. Rajnikanth
2. Dr. Mithun Chakraborthy a.k.a Dada
3. Any tom dick n harry from the Telugu film industry.
4.Mr. India a.k.a Jhakaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
5.Bappida


Rajnikanth has led a very unconventional life..his entire life has been dedicated to proving that all laws of physics which the rest of the world knows are in fact bullshit, and that had the world functioned according to the science of his world...we would have been searching for life on Jupiter instead of Osama bin Laden.He could give 007 a run for his money..and Bond is fictional!So u can shoot a gun in the air and shoot the trigger of that gun to eventually kill a person u can't see on the other side of the wall...has been successfully demonstrated. He calls it the "Law of transferred motion".Eventually if some innocent beggar got hit by mistake one can always claim innocence saying that it was the gun in the air that shot the beggar. Sheer Genius!Now we know why they have temple in his name in the South of India. Rumor has it while praying if you have a cheap handkerchief around your neck and wear dark sunglasses even in the shade..you might be the lucky few blessed by Rajni...

Dada is indeed the baap of all literature. Words spoken by him and heard by any random fool will not be forgotten, in fact will linger around and haunt him.His philosophies on love, life and lust have been considered radical and without doubt Mithun has changed every ideology laid down by generations of so-called thinkers.A few examples for your benefit...beware after reading your brain might stop functioning from the profound impact of the words..this is considered to be a boon..

• On fear: “Mai jis gali se guzarta hoo waha bachcha paida hone se pehle durrkar maa ke pet me susu kar deta hai!!” (Loha)/“Hum aise laashen bicha denge jaise kisi nanhe munhe bacche ke nunhi se pesaab tapakta hain—tap tap” ( Gunda)
• On multiple personality disorders:“Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hoon main”
• On living life in the fast lane: Aami kukur ke biskoot, beral ke doodh aar criminal ke gooli khawai. Tai tara aamar payer kaache pore thake.

  I feed dogs with biscuit, cats with milk and criminals with “goli”. That’s why they always reside near my feet.

Has long been known to contribute to the world of poetry.Wordsworth, Shakespeare and Tagore can go take a hike, here comes dada..

"Munni O Meri Munni...
To tu mar gayee????
Lambe ne tujhe lamba kar diya???
Machis ki teeli ko khamba kar diya?"

They say a lot of people tore up their poems and requested to be hit by amnesia after hearing this..


Has lived by Rajnikanth's laws of applied physics...how else can you explain that , after dodging a bullet and realizing that the bullet is about to hit his widowed mother, he runs faster than the bullet and catches it like a toothpick in the nick of time?Or throws a a knife and splits a bullet in 2 to kill 2 gangsters at the same time. ( Management students please note..excellent example for resource utilization)has inspired a new idiom in Literature : to kill 2 gangsters with one bullet..and one knife.Has been nominated for a Nobel prize for discovering a way to move faster than electricity...has held demonstrations where he saves his ugly heroine from an electric chair.Has been publicly applauded for forwarding a petition to have coolies at airports (Gunda)


Bollywood's southern connection has helped inspire many dance moves. But the sheer brilliance lies in the fact that these dance moves are not dance moves at all , rather are inspired from everyday activities.Like in 'yaar bina chain'..dance was inspired by rock stars playing tennis, so was the costume."anne de anne de paas anne de" from Shola aur Shabnam was inspired by morning walks. Rather a tennis star taking a morning walk.Most films suggest that a costume has nothing to do with the song itself. How else can we explain Sridevi dancing in an 'amrapali' costume, decked in jewellery from head to foot dancing with a apparently mental Jeetendra dressed in ujala white shoes among decorated pots..on a beach????????!!???


Our music is a category in "world music" when actually it has been severely misplaced, the music is "out of this world"..especially the lyrics.

I remember a Sridevi and Jeetendra song which goes like
" mama mia pom pom
pyaar ki gadi..aur badhao..accelerator aur dabao
readdddddddddddyyyyyyyyyy? Stop!
mama mia..pom pom!!!"

Of course some of our southern brothers are way ahead of us:

" If you come today its too yearly......(he meant early)
If you come tomaaarrroo..its to laaaaaaate
You pick the time.....tic tic tic tic, tic tic tic tic
Darling!!!!!!"
reference:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PFURM9eA_Q

In a classic display of antithesis...

"Love me or hate me kiss me or kill me...oh darling please do something to me...tururururu"

Reference:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzwmcbrLv7Y&feature=related

"Taliban alla alla, Bin laden alve alla" translated it means" Not Taliban, Not Bin Laden, he mbombed a building, I bombed your heart...let there be no misunderstanding" ..sheer inspiration from current affairs.

reference:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS-mRfpQzTk

And the award for mind boggling lyrics go to...................

Upendra!!!!(cheers cheers)

" Dangerr...................15-20 Dangerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
20-30 Soldierrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
30-40 Hunterrrrrrrrrrrrr
40 came knee begger
50 came male puncture!!!!!"

Reference:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjVZ7UFzJOE


We have a a lot to learn from Bollywood..

About love:" kabhi hum ek dusre ko kho kar bhi to pyaar ko uncha darja dete hai,juda rehkar pyaar ki unchai ko prapt karte hai,aur pyaar mila to bhi judai bhi to ek pyaar hai....(kisna) "

About Life and death: zindagi aur maut oopar wale ke haath hai jahpanah ise naa to aap badal sakte hain na main, hum to rangmanch ki kathputliyan hain jinki dor oopar wale ke haath mein hai,kaun,kab,kaise uthega ye koi nahin jaanta ha ha ha........ (Anand)

About friendship:Dosti ke do usool hai Mr. No sorry no thank you..dosti ki hai nibhani to padegi hi(Maine pyaar kiya)

About relationships: " Rishte mein hum tumhare baap lagte hain, naam Shehenshah"

About lust: " Yeh dil pyaar nahin janta..janta hai to sirf bhook..jism ki bhook" ( kal ho na ho)

About geography: "Idhar se jao ya udhar se jao..sab rasta god ke paas jaata hai" (Kabhi haan kabhi naa)

About history:Itihas phir se dahurata hai

About law: Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hai

About winning:" Kabhi kabhi kuch jeetne ke liye kuch harna bhi padta hai..aur har ke jeetne wale ko Baazigar kehte hai!"

So you can see, though illiteracy is ramphant in India, the education never stops. Though the brains may have stopped working, the entertainment never does.
And as put Life here eventually results in " Happys endings", so keep coming back to this space because

" bakwaas abhi baki hai mere dost!!!"

Dilemma

A lonely road I walk alone,

With a wounded heart and conscience torn,

And pray that HE would look upon,

shine that light and bring me home.


Met many a man, friend and foe..

Been lost in a crowd with a weathered soul,

What I seek, I may never know..

Shine that light and bring me home.


With a smile that shines, my eyes aglow

Who knows what pain lies below

I told myself I'll never let them know,

Shine that light and bring me home.


So far I wander high and low,

In my search for love so far unknown

And pray my path HE may show..

shine that light and bring me home....

- Neha Kamat