...And so I'm back...after what seems like a century...and I wish what had brought me back to this space was brilliant moments of inspiration, radical ideas, funny anecdotes, something that makes for good self-advertising when you want people to read your blog. Unfortunately it was a week and a half of mad cough, at the end of which I was beginning to imagine myself to be one of those chug chug engines of yore, refueled every other minute by one more lozenge which my fingers have now been trained to seek correctly out of the bag, even when fully asleep; a talent I intend to put on my resume when I retire from the sane world and join the Blue Women Group, touted to be the stars of James Cameron's Avatar 2:The Musical, due for release sometime after 2 decades or more.(Right now the idea is just brewing in his head and he intends to incubate it for a while as his legend commands)
So, anyway, as is abundantly self evident, illness of any kind makes me go off my rocker and talk total nonsense, which I then put in the form of a blog, post it and regret it that very instant.The very thought of lying snug in bed hour after hour feeling too weak to do anything exciting, is a royal punishment a restless soul like me...its enough to really grind my gears. And while we're on that subject , I can suddenly think of a multitude of things which can be classified to have this ability.So here goes..
Disclaimer: The Author bears no responsibility for the opinions posted in this blog. They are strictly the outcome of a highly sick and irritated alter ego, which can disappear faster than sense in a Sarah Palin interview.
In no order of preference ...
1. Dentists:
Have a distinctive hatred for these guys because they lie so smoothly through their perfectly aligned white-as-ujala teeth.(No offense to one of my closest friends who is one)They'll make you lower your guard with pretty pictures, a comfy chair and cheerful stories and gape with such fascination into your mouth that you'd be inclined to think probably there are some hidden treasures in those molars that you unwittingly failed to discover while feigning to floss.Then they poke around your mouth a bit with mirrors and all sorts of sharp instruments while slyly assuring you it won't hurt.(It will; but they bank on the surprise strategy a lot)The worst part, however, is they'll keep your jaws propped open with all sorts of things and then launch into a full conversation with you.Stories about their children, wonderful achievements, pretense to know about your background and heritage. I once heard from a dental assistant a story about my own heritage and how we originally come from Fiji. This after the fact that in my dental form I had listed my ethnicity as Indian. Then I heard about our 12 day marriages.(Even Suraj Barjatya can't afford this), and weird ass versions of Hindi songs. Flattering as it is, that they're interested in your culture, you really don't want your dental assistant to sing J ho! (jai ho) with folded hands. I felt like folding my own and praying for divine intervention. And you lie in the chair, helpless, unable to even say "Shut up!!!" . What you can barely manage is "ssssssssoooooooou" and other gibberish along the same lines. At the end of about an hour long ordeal, you're probably going home with empty pockets, painful jaws and the promise of yet another torture session....
2. English (A very Phunny language):
Never thought this one would show up on the list. But then never thought it would irritate me till I entered the US of A.I thought I knew English ;passed on quite generously by the Brits and adopted equally lovingly by us colonized people.Then I came to this country and I miraculously turned into an idiot. There was an entire army of human beings and machines(some hybrids also exist in this country) that would not/could not understand a word I said.Spell check and grammar check went ballistic in my first few months and seemed to be yelling at me with all the ziggy wiggy red and blue lines in my assignments.Seemed to be saying, "You idiot, do you not know that S isn't as popular as Z here? Replace it wherever possible. No need to add new forms of past tense..just add "ed" to everything. Apart from that, drop unnecessary letters here and there.". I learnt the popularity of Z the hard way when I had to spell out some ticket code on the phone.And I went "A34Z..."
"I beg your pardon?" "Ayy 3 4 Zed" " Sorry???" "Zed" "Sorry?" "Zed for Zebra" "Zebra??" "Last letter of the alphabet" "Oh you mean Zee for Zeebra" (Sigh! Apparently I was going to have to start from the ABC song, which also differs in this country, just FYI).My ignorance was further demonstrated when I went to the supermarket searching for Capsicum and Coriander and had the supermarket assistant give me the most ridiculous look of "What on earth are these!?" ..till I had to launch a big hunt and discover that unlike the rest of the world only Bell Peppers and Cilantro existed here.Oh well..I was Neha Kamat when I came to this country; now I'm Nee haa Key Mat.'
3.Insurance agents
Slimy irritating leeches, who will punish you for life for having asked for a quote. Inclined to think they might be getting trained by FBI agents by the way in which they can hunt you down night or day cell or desk, asleep awake, in your car, out of it, not owning a car, ride a horse...and brain dead. Recently had the misfortune of scraping my bumper against a concrete pole. Interesting conversation:
What did your car collide against?
"A concrete pole in a parking lot"
"Is the pole alright?"
("what!???) "The pole is fine"
"Who does the pole belong to?"
(I tried but I couldn't see any hearts, names or initials carved on it)
"Will the pole or the owner of the pole be claiming damages"
(Yes maybe if we taught it sign language , there's hope..)
"How did the pole respond?"
"It was gagged...."
4.Fine print
False sense of hope created to lure you into making terrific errors in judgement.The trick is to make the reader drowsy by immediately introducing him or her to a million pages full of legal jargon, which is secretly used in many countries as a mild sleeping pill.Once the 'target' has found the the drowsy state of mind, the eye immediately skips over some lines in the thesis. Bingo! Now you have them..then all you have to do is change font and trust the human eye to skip the smaller one, you pretty much have the target right where you want them.Remember this is the point where the target is probably just searching for the dotted line and trying to end the torture.
"We assure you we will live up to all our promises, in the lowest price possible, with no effort required on your end"
Bet you didn't read the exceptions(which includes everything), ha ha ha gotcha, Sucker!
"This medicine is completely safe, approved by the American medical Association and trusted by millions"
Side effects may include death
5.Farmville/fishville/virtual restaurant cafes et al
I understand social networking is the order of the day, and believe you me, I am right up there mingling in the cyber world. But I never thought I'd have to deal with this virtual shit. You'd think every Tom, Dick and Harry was sick and tired of their occupations and was making every effort possible to go agro, breeding cows, dogs, cats, fish and other virtual animals, fertilizing virtual plants and finding stuff you would never otherwise find on actual farms. Quick question: What's the friggin point?On top of that you keep finding lonely abandoned animals which is just entirely too irritating.It seems farmville is hell bent on teaching us animal noises in their updates.And the entire exercise is to make your "avatar" potter around the farms and keep clicking. Down arrow.Click. See tree . Click. see weird looking object . Click. I think my IQ, inclination and common sense just experienced Armageddon.
I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars...
6. IPhone users when they're suddenly handed another phone:
Apple's zombies I call them. I have nothing against the IPhone personally or any other apple product, just for the record. But why should these zombies behave as if every single phone on this planet has to have touch screen? In the event that you hand them some other phone and its locked, simple observations:
Tap the screen ...(nothing)..WTH? ..slide fingers..nothing..shake..press random buttons...nothing..panic setting in..WTH is happening with the face screaming "je ne sais quoi!". "Try green button and star" "Oh yeah..damn I forgot!"
Arrrrrrgh!
And the stupid app discussions. "I have an app that can find out the closest restaurant" "I have an app that can scan this bar code and compare prices" "I have an app that can do a zoom on objects I really don't need to see" "I have an app that can remove pulp from juice....and on and on and on..."
"What does your phone do?"
???
???
"It can make a phone call on the same network without dropping it"
Stick a fork..you're done..
7.American TV commercials
The lesser said the better. Somewhere in US of A in the Grand Daddy of all advertising said "We in true American style will do things differently..from the rest of the world..even if it is complete bullshit and makes no sense to anyone....we shall be "unique". So advertising from now on will not mean trying to sell products by pointing out their advantages..instead it will be a 30 or 60 second timed riddle called "What's this product?".
We will do intense research based on Baywatch, playboy and other online dating schemes so that people can identify with the lack of intelligence. And then muddle them with showing them everything but the product which will usually be revealed only in the last 2 seconds followed by a page of disclaimers read so fast that we can call them fine print"
Warning: Almost 99% of our viewers fail in this game since the product really has nothing to do with what's shown. That's the whole challenge! Think you're random enough to guess the next one?
Woefully I am restricting myself to the first 7 items that come to mind..would dearly love to mention some people here, but I'll save that for another illness (probably one that will come as a side effect of taking a really safe medicine)..I pray that I am completely unwound by then..
-Whoopi Goldberg
